Jacob The Addict

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for just over two years.

I’ve done a lot of reflecting recently on the dualistic nature of the life/lives I used to live. Said more simply, there were always two of me. One public, one private.

Even my mother would tell me that there were two of me, given that I was born a Gemini (the zodiacal constellation of The Twins, Castor and Pollux). Mom wasn’t into astrology, but found some of it interesting.

She would tell me that there were two boys inside me: one happy and one sad. I don’t know if that contributed to the development of my dualism, but that dualism certainly developed. There were indeed two of me: one happy, one sad. Her acknowledgement of that probably allowed me to determine that the dualism was acceptable and normal.

I was in my 30s when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but once that diagnosis was made, I realized that I had been depressed since childhood. Maybe depression initiated my dualism. Whether it did or not, learning that I was clinically depressed helped explain a lot of what happened during my high school and college years.

The things that may have contributed to my depression will be a topic for a future post so we can stick to the dualism that became part of me.

What started out as a struggle between the happy and sad boys inside of me progressed over time into a battle between the “good” and “bad” sides of me. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, if you will.

Having been raised in church since infancy, I knew what “good” and “bad” looked like. I tried to do all the right things to be “good”, but never felt good enough. Never good enough to be worthy of anyone’s love – especially that of an angry God.

And I so if you aren’t worthy of God’s love anyway, what harm is there in doing “bad” things, as long as they feel good at the time? And so began the dualistic life I led.

From the outside, I had it all together. Good raising. Good education (graduated Summa Cum Laude, I might add), successful career, loving wife, beautiful family. Strong leader, handsome, charming.

But on the inside, I was never good enough. In fact, I knew I was bad. There was always pornography and masturbation – and then the accompanying shame. There was objectification of and fantasy about every woman I ever laid eyes on – and shame. When I hit college, I discovered real live women as sex partners – not just images on a page. Those were thrilling – and intensely shameful – times.

But the “good” side of me tried to be even better. I was in church “every time the doors were open”. My dad had been a song leader in our church from the time I was born and he trained me to be the same. So, I often led worship in whatever church I was attending at the time.

And then I would go home, act out in some way and wallow in shame. That pattern persisted all through college and my single years – about 15 years total.

A single example from that era of my life will highlight my dualism. For a brief period, I was engaged to Marsha (not her real name; more about her in a future post). Our supposed “forever” relationship was purely sexual. There was no real relationship there. I didnt know it yet, but this was where and when my inner sex addict really took over.

We would go about our sexual flings on Saturday nights, then both get up Sunday morning and drive to a small church in a nearby town, where I was filling in as a song leader. Marsha’s hair would still be wet when we arrived at church, from our dragging ourselves out of bed at the last possible moment to get ready and be there on time.

Yep, I was a leader and a role model in that church, as well as the one we attended otherwise. All the while banging a woman who was not my wife – and with whom I had no real relationship. It might as well have been a hooker/John relationship. She lived with me, I bought her nice things and took her nice places. I just never paid her in cash.

But once I settled into that dualism – and didn’t get caught – it became the norm. Sleep around, do whatever I wanted, then show up at church in whatever leadership role I was assigned at the time. Well respected, well liked, probably envied by some for how “together” I was.

When I met and married Amy (not her real name), I left that all behind me. After all, being married and in a holy relationship, rather than a lascivious one, I would have legitimate access to all the sex I wanted and no longer need/want the things from the “bad” side of me. Or so I thought.

Like all recovering sex addicts, I now laugh at how naive I was. Because that’s not how life works, nor will addiction simply go away.

My resolve to stay “clean” lasted a year or two and then I was back at it. I stayed physically faithful to Amy, but spent most of my time in a world of fantasy, filled with pornographic images and ruminations about other women.

To compensate, my public self became even more righteous. In addition to leading worship, I became a deacon in my church. I taught Bible class for 15 years or more I eventually served on the leadership board of my church. I counseled younger men on avoiding pornography.

But the harder I tried to be “good”, the stronger the “bad” urges became. Or maybe vice versa. But the dualism progressed. I crossed boundaries I told myself I’d never cross. I engrossed myself in types of pornography I thought I’d never want to see. And I was very close to leaving the “private” dualism I was engaged in for a more “public” variety. In simpler terms, I was about to find other women with whom to act out.

Praises be to the God Who Loves Me, because the conscience that I thought was long since dead came to life and, in a moment of clarity, I disclosed my duality to Amy and told her what I was involved in. That began my recovery journey – a story you can read about in my other posts.

Putting the two halves of me back together has been a difficult journey to date. And it will take continued vigilance for the rest of my days to remain whole. But living one life is much, much simpler and far richer than trying to live two dialectically opposed lives.

As always, thanks for reading. My prayer is that this might help someone who is struggling with a similar problem.

Blessings, Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex and love addict. I’ve been sober for over two years.

While not regularly by any means, I’ve tried to share some of my experiences in recovery. My hope is that someone else who may be in a similar spot may find hope and encouragement in what I share.

I’ll confess up front that this post is not particularly encouraging or hopeful. But I think it accurately reflects a step in the recovery process.

Today, I feel almost like I’m back at the beginning, when I disclosed to Amy (not her real name) my lifelong addiction to pornography and sex.

As is often said among those in recovery, when I disclosed, I vomited up all of the disgusting and poisonous stuff inside me and immediately felt better. But, as with actual vomit, that putrid and nauseating sh*t landed somewhere. And the landing place, of course, was Amy. By the time I was done, she was covered in it. I felt better; she felt sick.

And thus began the two-year journey that’s brought us to here.

As I said above, I’ve been clean and sober for two-plus years. I’ve learned how to do without pornography and compulsive masturbation. I’ve learned to better control my thoughts and avoid objectifying every woman I see. (If you are unfamiliar with the term “objectification”, it simply means looking at women purely as sexual objects and imaging what kinds of sexual things I could do with them.) I’ve learned how to be present in life. I’ve learned how to stay engaged and express my thoughts and feelings in difficult conversations. “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.” Well, mostly.

I’ve said it before, but I’m dealing with sex and love addiction. It would be easy to simply stop and say that I’m a sex addict. But it’s harder than that. My core issue is a deep-seated need to be loved. By the way, you have that same need, you just probably found the love you need in a healthy way. I never did find the deep kind of love that satisfies that need, so I turned to sex as a substitute.

If a woman would have sex with me, then she loved me. You see, SEX=LOVE and LOVE=SEX. If she wouldn’t have sex with me, then that relationship wasn’t meant to be and I resumed my search for the next woman who would have me in her arms and in her bed. There were moments of intense pleasure along that path, but they never satisfied anything.

Recovery has helped me understand that, but some of those feelings still reside inside me.

I’ve heard it said that it takes a betrayed partner 2-3 times as long to recovery than the betraying partner. I’ve been at this for two years and, while I’ll never be rid of these feelings and urges, I have been successful at coping with them to date.

But Amy is still working through her feelings of betrayal. She’s made a lot of progress but still has a long way to go. She still doesn’t fully trust me. She’s still unsure if my recovery will “stick”. Those are valid concerns. I can never prove to her that I’ll never relapse. I’ll just have to keep accumulating sobriety and recovery one day at a time.

Since Amy still struggles with feelings of betrayal and lacks trust in me, it shouldn’t be a big shock to hear that sex with me is not a high priority for her.

Sex is a normal and natural part of the relationship between a man and a woman. But I’ve abused sex in the past and that leads to the situation Amy and I are in today.

And so we’re currently in a place where making love is an infrequent thing. And that leads me to feel unloved. It makes me question Amy’s love for me. It makes me feel inadequate and unloveable. It leaves me questioning our relationship. I leaves me very, very sad. And all of those are feelings that I numbed out with my drug of choice: pornography and masturbation.

Having turned my back on the unhealthy ways of dealing with difficult feelings and sexual frustration, I have no where to turn but Amy. And I believe that is God’s will for me, hard though it is to accept.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? I believe that it is twofold:

First, express my needs to Amy in a kind and loving way and allow her the time she needs to reach a point where she is comfortable with being sexual with me.

And, second, but most important, is to surrender all of my needs (not just sexual ones) to My Father in Heaven, Who is capable of meeting all of those needs, if I will but let Him. Let it be so, Father.

Thanks for reading.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)

Hi, my name is Jacob (not my real name) and I’m a grateful, recovering sex addict. By the grace of God and the fellowship of my recovery group, I’ve been sober over almost two years.

Recovery is an ongoing process of examine one’s life and attempting to figure what drives thoughts and actions. It requires a lot of soul searching and reflection on a lot of painful truth.

In a recent conversation with my wife, Amy (not her real name), I was able to put into words much of what I’ve struggled with my entire life. Because it provides a catchy name, as well as an apt description, I am choosing to refer to what I’ve realized as “The Lie”.

The Lie sums up most everything I’ve thought, believed and lived my entire life. It drove my actions, damaged my self-worth, led me places I never thought I’d go and caused a lot of harm to others in my life.

While I can (and will) cite a number of groups, organizations, establishments and cultural factors as contributors to The Lie, The Lie itself is a creation of the Father of Lies.

You will know him by any number of names: Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Accuser, The Devil, Satan. While the Father of Lies is a spiritual being, he is more real than anything I’ll encounter in this life. He stands ready to deceive, accuse, condemn and destroy at any time by any means possible. He knows the things that I am and am not susceptible to.

He gave up long ago trying to destroy me with gambling. I see that as a tax on people who are bad at math. He gave up on alcohol. While I enjoy a good Irish whiskey, I cannot stand being drunk. He gave up on drugs. For some reason, that never tempted me. He gets close with money. That’s something I have to be very careful about.

But he was able to get me with The Lie. And The Lie is all about sex. That has always been my weak spot – my Achilles heel.

So, what is The Lie? It’s a lot of things that are difficult to explain. But I can share some specific things that The Lie wants me to believe:

• Sex is as necessary for life as oxygen.
• Sex is complete in and of itself. Love and commitment are loosely related but are certainly not required.
• Women are sexual objects. They exist to please men.
• Women are to be objectified and made the focus of my fantasies.
• I deserve more than I have. No, I am entitled to more. More sex. More exciting sex. More passion. A more attractive partner. A more willing partner.
• Sex is and should be the primary focus of the relationship between a man and a woman. It should occur at every possible opportunity.
• If my wife doesn’t want sex as often as I do, there is something wrong with her.

So, who is to blame for The Lie? Well, as I said above, the Father of Lies orchestrated it. And I am as guilty as hell in believing and propagating it. But he had/has a great deal of help in developing and maintaining it. Here are a few of the parties involved:

• Hollywood. Movies and TV shows show us images of a world that simply does not exist. The guy does not always get the girl. Men and women don’t have passionate sex all the time. Relationships are not always pretty. The people in our lives are not always trim, fit, drop-dead beautiful and sexual. But that’s what Hollywood feeds us. And movies that don’t perpetuate that image usually don’t do well.
• Madison Avenue. I’m not sure this term is used a lot these days. It used to be that all the major advertising firms were on Madison Avenue in NYC, just as financial institutions reside on Wall Street. At any rate, ad firms learned eons ago that “sex sells”. From clothing to pickup trucks to lawn mowers to fast food to razors, provocative and/or scantily clad women are used to promote EVERYTHING. “Buy this product and women like these will WANT YOU.”
• Novelists, Musicians and Artists. Just like Hollywood, novelists, musicians and artists tell us stories, sing songs and depict images of a perfect world where passionate, sexual relationships are the norm. The song or the story may be sad, but it’s about the passionate sexual relationships they either just lost or have been seeking their entire life.
• The “Adult” Film Industry. This one goes almost without saying. The “relationships” between men and women depicted in pornography signal that women are merely sexual objects and their existence is simply to do whatever pleases the man they are with. They depict sexuality in ways that are simply not normal. Now, there’s plenty of abnormal and deviant sexuality in hard-core pornography, but even “normal” pornography shows us a picture of sexuality that simply does not exist in healthy relationships.

This list is far from complete, but I hope it’s sufficient to paint a clear picture of what The Lie is. And how screwed up it leaves those who believe it. Taken to its extreme, The Lie tells us that life is about one thing: sex. And that we are entitled to do whatever it takes to get the type, quantity and intensity of sex we think we need.

By the grace of God and the help of my Twelve Step fellowship, I have come to understand The Lie and how deeply I fell for it. I am ashamed to have bought it.

But identifying The Lie, naming it and exposing it for the falsehood that it is gives me an opportunity to defeat it through the power of the Spirit of God.

I pray that you will see The Lie and be willing to do the holy warfare necessary to break free from it.

As always, thanks for visiting.

Jacob The Addict (jacobtheaddict@gmail.com)